Beautiful infatuation

Recent encounter with one of my church group members taught me some lesson.
He revealed when I gave him a lift home that he recently asked out some other girl in my church but it didn't bear a fruit. He was shy with a little blushed face when telling me the story. He said he even consulted with another church friend who he thought might be more familiar with girls' matter from experience without knowing how this will turn out. Of course, he got into an awkward situation with her, and just to ease off, he said, he made her a cocktail shot at a friend's home and even danced to entertain her.

Somehow I found the story compelling so that he pulled off something I haven't done and wouldn't do. I will give him that he got a gut.
In reflecting myself, thinking that I know how to seduce girls might have obstructed me from loving someone deep down. Love is in the end self-indulgence to benefit the giver himself. Of course, one of it's by-products is benefiting the one receiving love if you see from different angle, but it surely benefit the giver. And the sole purpose of genuine love is to have our creator, God, happy.

Maybe I'm jealous of his reckless courage (?) and energy flowing into him when he did it. I'm almost 10 years older than him that I can provide him a better solution(?) laden from my experience if all he needs is just to have her. But I didn't and wouldn't because I believe in failure; I believe in feeling crush and subsequent heartbreak. He will someday reflect himself with a smiley face and a crinkled nose in that he ever loved someone one way, a beautiful infatuation.

As a spiritual brother(tho I don't know him well in personal), I hope he continues to have that feeling, not necessarily with that particular girl and not forcing it to diminish out of his pain, and balances out with love of God and grow in getting a better sense of love than does I currently possess.

Thorn in eye

On my way to library, the radio host was taking in a call from some guy named John. I started listening in the middle of their conversation so I could not figure out how it started, but it was obv about him picking on somebody and subsequently making him feel better. The host mentioned when you feel good, John, by picking on someone inferior to you, that means you are insecure that the fact that somebody don't have what you have makes you feel better or superior to him. And she goes on *picking on* him.

Yes, I agree with her that picking on someone is usually motivated by insecurity and also his childhood which also allowed him to be picked on.

But just because we don't pick on someone doesn't give us a right to criticize, also another form of pick-on, others. Then how different are we from the others? it's very pernicious that we fall into the very same trap they stepped on by seeing thorns in their eyes.

Let's talk moderate, point out what's wrong and focus more on how we can help eliminate thorns in our eyes, not just theirs.

Love is painful.

After working out for 2 hours pretty hard, I'm now back to work at 7:15 pm.
Most likely I will head to the library after this. I sometimes wonder my hectic schedule is to achieve my goal on LSAT and law school or just block you out of my mind.

but I accidentally click your photo... again...The one you're smiling at me wearing my cardigan.
You loved me at that moment. right?
I'm afraid I might place my hand on the phone and dial the number I happened to remember...
Once a player, I'm afraid of commiting a relationship, again... I'm afraid that I might not get back to who I was, which will never happen anyway.
After all of my experiences, never knew love was this much painful.

Like Damien said in his song, Do you still miss my smell?
Yes, it was a mistake to love you. I admit it.
I wish I can go back in time if I can never feel the pain in my heart.
But what had been done to me is done already.

Please let me not love anyone for loving someone is so painful.

It's a farce

After a year or two from now, can I look back on my present life and just laugh away from all these? I wish...
As we are all too ignorant to recall what we have done to others, I wish to become oblivious to all my past, especially right now.

Why the fuck am I so clinging myself to the past? Or why am I living the present in the past? What the fuck does all mean to me? How would the fuck this will help me live my life down the road in 10 years or so? Am I going to fucking write a book about my freaking experience and pain so that someone else can find it helpful? If it applies to any one of the above, I'll just submit myself to what I'm suffering now and stop being deviant.

This is a farce!

Run while you can

If you are not sure what you're doing, then stop doing it
If you think the other is not certain of what to do, then run while you can, and don't look back ever.

For either can results in catastrophe in life.
Any one of you can be crippled by "love".

Love is so influential in both constructive and destructive manner.

Delicacy

The smile you've given me was enough to brighten up my day or more, but it wasn't only for me? Just like the Sun distributing light to all of us, am I supposed to share it with other men? I should be happy to be one of those recipients?

Well, no thanks, if it wasn't only for me. I'd gratefully turn it down and let my day go without your light. Instead of the most beautiful smile given to many, I'd rather take a grin from someone who's making a mockery of only me because I want to be meaningful to you in any how.

I'm sorry that I wasn't dark enough to see your light.

Never Meant To Be Together

No matter how many times I swear myself not to get involved in romance, I just can't help but finding myself enjoying your companionship. I realize this more than any that love is not good enough for itself.

If our infatuation can't bear a fruit into more mature love, then it's just having a good time with one another. is it? Would you remember me after 10 years when you happen to hear the music I used to sing to you? Is that too much to ask since you'll be most likely content with your own life with someone else? Probably, yes. I should be complacent since we just loved each other to as full extent as we can possibly do. I guess my greed was so growing that it finally consumed both of us. Was there anything I could've done if I go back in time? Though there was, it would only delay our departure a month or so at most. After putting up with all the fights, hassles and tears, we were probably meant to say good-bye from the beginning. All knew but us.


I'll probably meet someone again in my life and love her as much as I did you. But if love is analogized as a pizza pie. You've taken most of pieces I had left so I don't know if God can make another by then. Just like a garden bearing flowers, I'm just a middle man having to bear whatever I'm given if I don't want to be marked as barren.

So, let's enjoy the time of the transition, this winter, until the cruelest month.