Beautiful infatuation

Recent encounter with one of my church group members taught me some lesson.
He revealed when I gave him a lift home that he recently asked out some other girl in my church but it didn't bear a fruit. He was shy with a little blushed face when telling me the story. He said he even consulted with another church friend who he thought might be more familiar with girls' matter from experience without knowing how this will turn out. Of course, he got into an awkward situation with her, and just to ease off, he said, he made her a cocktail shot at a friend's home and even danced to entertain her.

Somehow I found the story compelling so that he pulled off something I haven't done and wouldn't do. I will give him that he got a gut.
In reflecting myself, thinking that I know how to seduce girls might have obstructed me from loving someone deep down. Love is in the end self-indulgence to benefit the giver himself. Of course, one of it's by-products is benefiting the one receiving love if you see from different angle, but it surely benefit the giver. And the sole purpose of genuine love is to have our creator, God, happy.

Maybe I'm jealous of his reckless courage (?) and energy flowing into him when he did it. I'm almost 10 years older than him that I can provide him a better solution(?) laden from my experience if all he needs is just to have her. But I didn't and wouldn't because I believe in failure; I believe in feeling crush and subsequent heartbreak. He will someday reflect himself with a smiley face and a crinkled nose in that he ever loved someone one way, a beautiful infatuation.

As a spiritual brother(tho I don't know him well in personal), I hope he continues to have that feeling, not necessarily with that particular girl and not forcing it to diminish out of his pain, and balances out with love of God and grow in getting a better sense of love than does I currently possess.

Thorn in eye

On my way to library, the radio host was taking in a call from some guy named John. I started listening in the middle of their conversation so I could not figure out how it started, but it was obv about him picking on somebody and subsequently making him feel better. The host mentioned when you feel good, John, by picking on someone inferior to you, that means you are insecure that the fact that somebody don't have what you have makes you feel better or superior to him. And she goes on *picking on* him.

Yes, I agree with her that picking on someone is usually motivated by insecurity and also his childhood which also allowed him to be picked on.

But just because we don't pick on someone doesn't give us a right to criticize, also another form of pick-on, others. Then how different are we from the others? it's very pernicious that we fall into the very same trap they stepped on by seeing thorns in their eyes.

Let's talk moderate, point out what's wrong and focus more on how we can help eliminate thorns in our eyes, not just theirs.

Love is painful.

After working out for 2 hours pretty hard, I'm now back to work at 7:15 pm.
Most likely I will head to the library after this. I sometimes wonder my hectic schedule is to achieve my goal on LSAT and law school or just block you out of my mind.

but I accidentally click your photo... again...The one you're smiling at me wearing my cardigan.
You loved me at that moment. right?
I'm afraid I might place my hand on the phone and dial the number I happened to remember...
Once a player, I'm afraid of commiting a relationship, again... I'm afraid that I might not get back to who I was, which will never happen anyway.
After all of my experiences, never knew love was this much painful.

Like Damien said in his song, Do you still miss my smell?
Yes, it was a mistake to love you. I admit it.
I wish I can go back in time if I can never feel the pain in my heart.
But what had been done to me is done already.

Please let me not love anyone for loving someone is so painful.

It's a farce

After a year or two from now, can I look back on my present life and just laugh away from all these? I wish...
As we are all too ignorant to recall what we have done to others, I wish to become oblivious to all my past, especially right now.

Why the fuck am I so clinging myself to the past? Or why am I living the present in the past? What the fuck does all mean to me? How would the fuck this will help me live my life down the road in 10 years or so? Am I going to fucking write a book about my freaking experience and pain so that someone else can find it helpful? If it applies to any one of the above, I'll just submit myself to what I'm suffering now and stop being deviant.

This is a farce!

Run while you can

If you are not sure what you're doing, then stop doing it
If you think the other is not certain of what to do, then run while you can, and don't look back ever.

For either can results in catastrophe in life.
Any one of you can be crippled by "love".

Love is so influential in both constructive and destructive manner.

Delicacy

The smile you've given me was enough to brighten up my day or more, but it wasn't only for me? Just like the Sun distributing light to all of us, am I supposed to share it with other men? I should be happy to be one of those recipients?

Well, no thanks, if it wasn't only for me. I'd gratefully turn it down and let my day go without your light. Instead of the most beautiful smile given to many, I'd rather take a grin from someone who's making a mockery of only me because I want to be meaningful to you in any how.

I'm sorry that I wasn't dark enough to see your light.

Never Meant To Be Together

No matter how many times I swear myself not to get involved in romance, I just can't help but finding myself enjoying your companionship. I realize this more than any that love is not good enough for itself.

If our infatuation can't bear a fruit into more mature love, then it's just having a good time with one another. is it? Would you remember me after 10 years when you happen to hear the music I used to sing to you? Is that too much to ask since you'll be most likely content with your own life with someone else? Probably, yes. I should be complacent since we just loved each other to as full extent as we can possibly do. I guess my greed was so growing that it finally consumed both of us. Was there anything I could've done if I go back in time? Though there was, it would only delay our departure a month or so at most. After putting up with all the fights, hassles and tears, we were probably meant to say good-bye from the beginning. All knew but us.


I'll probably meet someone again in my life and love her as much as I did you. But if love is analogized as a pizza pie. You've taken most of pieces I had left so I don't know if God can make another by then. Just like a garden bearing flowers, I'm just a middle man having to bear whatever I'm given if I don't want to be marked as barren.

So, let's enjoy the time of the transition, this winter, until the cruelest month.

My Garden

The soil never compares the rose it bears now with the one it used to get laden with for it is in the relationship with the former one. It simply bears whatever it's allowed to produce under the given circumstance, and whatever it's bearing now will most likely perish once the following winter comes and swallows its humble life. Though our love is stronger than a stem of rose and often times Paul refers it to the greatest thing among all three, just like a rose contending against winter, if contended with God willing to put it down, it gets smothered.

As we exist to please God, we are the gardens of Him, and like Jesus said, for those who failed to bear the fruit will get cut down.

"April is the cruelest month."

As Elliot T.S. created in his writing, I would rephrase his juxtaposing with Love, which makes "Love is the cruelest experience of human beings".

Just like lilacs bloom out of dead ground during the killing winter, love bloom out of once dead or at most crippled heart.

Just like lilacs were able to bloom by feeding on the nutrients of once live cruelly, new love is feeding on once dead love scattered all around in your heart.

Just like soils simply providing the ground for beautiful creatures to prosper, we should maybe just submit ourselves to God becoming part of his big plan.

After all, we are the gardens of God, decorated with various colorful loves, which come and go as time goes by just like any other ordinary flowers.

Sometimes we wonder why our love was so quick to die. but I found, after all my efforts, this question meaningless in front of the flow of nature.

As old wisdom holds, let it be....

Juror Number 1

With the first time serving a jury, I was filled with half doubt of the proficiency of jury system and half excitement of experiencing the court that I need to do prior to a law school.

Similary to my mindset, the court was half scarily apprehensive and half classically structured because it was of course reflected by my eyes.

What I found about the jury selection process was surprisingly unfair; among about 60 potential people, they first pick 12 people and then as they 'excuse' anyone of them for whatever legitimate reason, they reselect to fill the empty seat from the pool. So there is a high chance of "first come, first served".

For those of you don't want to spend next couple of days or weeks sitting at an old house and listening to the more like same stories, you can always come late.

I was numbered 27 initially, then as pre-selected jurors got deselected, I was picked as a juror number 1. I knew I was sort of auto-admit once I get picked due to my background and my vested interest of serving a civil duty, which tells that I'm an average-Joe.

Hearing the testimonies from each side for two consecutive days wasn't the most interesting part of the job, but after all is done, I figured it was worth the time because not only it gives you different angles of the story that we are trying to re-construct using a fact-finding skill, but also you can clarify the truth by factoring out the commonalities of the stories told by many witnesses.

During the deliberation, stuck in the jury room just like a movie, we all wanted to say something.
The simple civil matter went on more than 2 hours of deliberation. However I personally thought the plaintiff deserves some time from each one of us since she's been waiting this trial since 2005, almost 5 years.

The biggest thing as we all unanimously agreed was the deficient job of the plaintiff side.
For this civil case, the burden of proof is invariably on the plaintiff's shoulder, the lawyer should have better prepared for the court subpoenaing witnesses, providing only the relevant documents and expert/witness testimonies or documents bridging the gap between each evidence.

We were all convinced that the plaintiff got injured from falling, which possibly caused by the defendant's negligence. Here is the chasm the plaintiff's lawyer should have proved.
If I were him, I would either find a witness who can definitely testimony one saw the plaintiff stepped into the hole and fell instead of saying I only saw her fell.

If not found, then here is an alternative, bring in the medical or/and mechanical expertise into a court room that the plaintiff's injury is most likely caused by stepping into a hole and at the same time ruling out other possibilities of getting injured such as slipping through wet steps with slippery sandals on.

The other most important gap he failed to connect was how the plaintiff's injury was related to her fall due to the hole. Although the lawyer submitted 200 pages of medical reports, mostly from ER, we couldn't find any single page pertaining to her injury caused by stepping into a hole.

Rather than helping revealing the plaintiff's story and building her credibility, it undermined her testimony since the ER doctors couldn't find any significant damages from her joints and ankles.

If one wanted to prove the injury could get developed over time, then sometime during the physical therapy, which was obviously taken place, she should have taken another X-ray or MRI with the second doctor's opinion regarding the symptom was slowly developed from the initial damage caused by allegedly stepping on a hole.

Mechanical engineering could also help how the consequence of her damage could be caused by her stepping into a hole and fell through the side steps.

Though the hole is not a significant contributor to her damage, if it acted as a trigger her to receive another, yet significant damage from falling into side steps, then it can be proved that the hole is accountable and thus the negligence of the landlord's failure to fixing the hole could be scrutinized.

With those issues still needed to be addressed, the case was finally closed.
I hope when I represent my client someday, I can put all these things together instead of filling something less important to occupy the minds of judges and jurors, which in turn have an adverse consequence.

Turkey and I

The library I've been frequenting to over weekdays and weekends too has an entrance surrounded by glass walls, and there has a corner forged by two giant glass walls.
It was so common in modern building design that I don't remember paying attention until I found a wild turkey cornering there. The wild turkey, as you know, isn't common to be seen these days, especially if you're not dwelling in restrictive native Indian area.

Though I develop goose-bumps for seeing either Turkeys or any kinds of birds bigger than or equal to pigeons, this one made me feel closer to it after having many encounters and realizing its so-to-counterintuitive behavior.

This wild turkey was hanging around back and forth into that corner surrounded by glass walls.
First, I thought it must be looking for foods since it's winter or something to chew on.

One day, when I was about to pass it by without a second look, I happened to see it again through a different perspective, literally through another glass wall. Serendipity! That showed and explained the whole nine yard to me why he was fonding of coming back to that glass corner. From the outside where it was standing, it was reflecting as a mirror, so he was basically seeing himself upon it.

I remember reading some article about how birds think/behave when they see their own reflections on mirror-like objects. they simply recognize them as other birds either hostile or friendly.

Putting all these into my head, I felt sympathetic because he was a loner living out there by himself, and maybe he was missing one of his friends or family which might have been hit by truck or fed by predators and related to him because, under some circumstances, I felt like seeing my family and friends through the lens of myself, not taking as they are. Maybe I was trying to see myself projected into friends and family or expected them to think and behave as I predict them to do within my reasonable boundary.

Seeing and taking others as they are takes a lot of bravery and love. One sitting and caught up in himself like me cannot do with ease because someone like me will keep thinking why they behave as they are, not as I expect them to do with my reasonable and empirical data I've collected.

After all, we are all loners looking for love and care from relationship, but afraid of making commitment and taking it when it takes a wrong turn. I even felt lonely when I was chatting with a girl friend, or my best friend. We are lonely not only because we are apart from others physically, but also because we feel like no one seems to understand us in ways we want to be understood. Sometimes, we feel so distant with someone we love most. that's a big downer.

I appreciate God striking me with this enlightenment out of my usual daily routine, making me feel like actually I'm alive, being side-tracked. Yes, Life is a journey as everyone seems to talk about like a cliche, but no one really know where there are led.

Though this thought of mine or His will eventually loom into my daily life which consumes most of our time and energy. I hope someday when I look down a turkey before saying grace on Thanksgiving dinner table with my family, his dead comrade reminds me of this thought just to entertain(?) my family and friends.